194. Found: Diary entry of a 40 year old me

I was working on a new blog post (I know those have been scarce around here, sorry!) and I came across a draft post that I was writing right before I turned 40 (Feb 2025). I’m not sure why I didn’t post it. I might have been afraid..or maybe I got side tracked and forgot about it. That happens a lot.
But I thought I’d share it now, over a year later. 40 came and went. Then 41.

So, here’s past Sarah with some musings.

Finding Joy in Painting (in a World of Criticism)

January 6, 2025
I’m coming up on my ten-year painting anniversary, as well as my 40th birthday, and with that a flood of emotions and memories crop up daily.

I remember my desperation to start this journey, when nothing but untested potential was in front of me - to see what I could achieve when I dedicated my life to it. Now, nearly ten years later I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface.

Maybe my progress seems slow to some people. Maybe it seems fast to others. I fluctuate between the two depending on my mood.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that a lot happens quietly, internally, when you go through life with artist eyes. It doesn’t always show on the page.

And beauty is not always the result of dedication. We’ve all heard “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” My beauty is not your beauty. We see what we want to see and read between the brush strokes depending on our own life experiences. There is no universally beautiful painting - not one painting that would satisfy every human on earth. Some might come close, but I guarantee there will always be at least one pair of eyes that doesn’t see it the same way.

With the dawn of social media, everyday artists and even hobbyists began to feel the same criticism that used to be reserved for celebrities. Now we are all compared side-by-side on a daily basis. On one hand I rejoice knowing that more people are seeing more art than ever before. On the other hand, art has become almost unrecognizable from commodity. “Fast Fashion” they call it now - here one moment, gone the next. Hours, weeks, months of work consumed in a single swipe. It’s a harsh reality for today’s artists.

How do we avoid falling into that trap ourselves?

Let’s assume we aren’t making art to get rich. We are making it for the joy of painting. That already changes our internal narrative to be less self-critical and more accepting. It means even our failures have value. The value came from the experience of creation. Sharing it with others is just a bonus. If you value the process more than the outcome, no one’s criticism can touch you. If we can hold onto the real meaning of creation, the criticism stings a little less.

[end entry]

And that’s all she wrote.

I still carry those sentiments, and perhaps feel them even stronger now that AI has become totally normalized.

The interesting thing is that despite having a bit of an existential crisis when I wrote that (who doesn’t when they turn 40??), I was creating some of my favorite little gouache studies and having a blast.